Wednesday, June 30, 2010

You were smiling and playing with me like you used to do. I could see your face ageing like the uncle I saw. The thoughts of you aging and leaving is scary. 

The scariness still fills my thoughts but you're gone now. At only 10 years, I thought I could have had longer time with you.

Really miss you from the bottom of my heart.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

1 Month

Its one month since you left us. 
Kor Kor has flatten the soil and we plan to remake your resting place or plant some flowers on the soil.
I lighted two candles for you today; hoping to take a glimpse of the lights every night before I go to bee. 
We really hope the candles will help light your lonely nights. 

Then it started raining suddenly. 
I ran out to see the candles, only to find it still burning in the rain; 
the same way you suffered in silence to cheer us up.
As I open your pictures we last took, I can't believe all these has happen to me.

The last thing I want is to be separated from you and now I am.
Its painful to look at your smiling pictures. It makes me feel more guilty that I didn't help you alleviate your pain or accompanied you more on your last few days. 

Dee Dee, do you know I meant it when I spoke to you every night?
When I told you I love & miss you very much?
When I asked you to come in to sleep with me ?
When I told you how much I loved you?
Where ever you're, I hope you're always happy.
If you have time, please spare a second to think of us.

I still wish I come home everynite to see your waggly tail & smily face.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pomeranian Dog In Heaven - 10 Years 9 Months, Toodie from Tanjung Bungah, Pulau Pinang -

Pomeranian Dog In Heaven - 10 Years 9 Months, Toodie from Tanjung Bungah, Pulau Pinang -

Its a rainy day; days where I wish you could just cuddle with me on the bed and have a sleeping marathon to see whose the champion. Like how u put ur feet into my mouth & my feet on ur head.

I know you're sleeping peacefully eternally now, but its still so hard for me to accept you've left me and gone forever. 

Can you please come back to me? 

I leave the door open sumtimes so you could peep your head and walk in.

The room is always filled with clothes on the floor waiting for you to come in to sleep.

A month has passed; I miss you more than ever.. and I still do.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

We went to a canine gathering earlier and spotted a few poms; both show & pet quality. Mostly small sized and compact body but none has the face as lovely as yours. It's really hard to look for any replacement because to us you're the cutest pom. Your round hazel eyes & pink nose and we especially love the curly hair behind your ears. 

Dee Dee we really miss you. Wonder where are you now. I believe in re-incarnation and we will meet again. 

Please guide me to you.

I finally met the cat who was with u these few nights.I'm not sure who is it but he has 3 white paws similar to yours, he wasn't really afraid of me.
What I was sure is he seems to know you & is sent to keep you company on your lonely nights. 

I'm sure you won't mind me sharing your leftover food with this new friend of yours.

Am really happy you've finally found a good friend as you've always been well liked. 
We met Sandy, I think she will miss you too if she knows you're gone. 

Friday, June 25, 2010

Dee Dee I dreamt of you a few night ago that I neglected you and when I went home you're still around but sickly. I feel so bad.. I should have spent more time with you every night.

Fast forward, Ko Ko says he saw 2 cats sitting by your resting place. One in black and one in white. 
Could it be Mickey & Milky coming over to play with you? 
Or are they your friends?

I'm happy you have some friends now and hope you're no longer lonely. 
Have been really tired over the past few days and raining alot too.

Yet another Lab Woody has passed away and I hope you'll meet him in rainbow bridge.

Goodnight baby and hope you have a sweet dream too.

Really hope I could hug & kiss you again.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day 24

You helped through my work. Thanks so much for blessing me from the top
I really miss hugging you and cuddling with your chubby body.

As i was cleaning my bed sheet which i have changed since you left us, I saw a tick.
Its realy shocking as we do not have other dogs at home besides you.
How could these ticks climb on my bedsheet?
I doubt it lives that long after you left us as well.

Thanks for giving me a sign to tell me you're still around
I know I cant hold you and you too cant touch me
But I sincerely want u to know how much we love you eventhough you've left us
I hope you notice me stealing a glance at you everytime I walk to the kitchen
Because I really wanted to see you badly. 

xxx I miss you very much Dee Dee xxx

Monday, June 21, 2010

Day 23

I saw a cat lying idle on the road on my way home. It was raining very heavily and I had parts of me asking me to stop so that I could carry the kitten by the roadside. However another part of me held me back as I knew I couldn't bear to face another dying animal. Plus there were cars behind my car, so I just drove off with a heavy heart.

It was raining tonight and I cant light the candles for Dee Dee. Tried lighting when the rain stopped but the candles were too wet to lighted. 

A few weeks back I recall reading the 5 stages of grief. Today I finally took some time off to read and understand where was I. 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving. 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.
4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.  

After through reading, I realised I'm still at denial although I show signs of bargaining. But I guess a loss will take a long time to heal especially Dee Dee being too attached  to me. 

I still walk to his resting place everyday and sometime bring some treats/ food for him for the fear that he didn't have enough up there; or plainly because I felt he will be hungry. Seeing his treats lying in my room doesn't help as it keeps reminding me how much he loved his treats.

If he could come back to live,
I really don't mind spending a fortune being his slave and buying him all the best food in the world.
Just like how I wish I wake up to realise its only 13th of May; then I will stay home and not go to Bali.
Only then he won't be hurt and never leave me

If only...

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Day 22

Dear Dee Dee, 
you did not eat the treats I left for you yesterday. 

Were you not feeling well?
I saw a cat with its head tilted like yours after your epilepsy. 
Those were signs your heart is not doing well but I honestly thought you are so strong
you'll definitely pull thru like you did on your hernia surgery and sudden fast heart beat during Christmas.

We went to Chew Jetty - where you were born more than 10 years ago. 
Trying to locate Aunty Sim who sold you to us.
All we could find is an empty house, we were told Aunty Sim died many years ago
Leaving the house empty. Even her family has moved elsewhere and there are no more dogs
This spells the end of your lineage and family. 
Perhaps you were the last few batch from them?
Only she know and I'm sure you've met her up there. 

Its Father's day today, you should be with us.
LG bought some very expensive durians at RM70 for 2.
I wish you were here to savor it because its one of your favourite.

For you're one exceptional dog who loves fruits.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

 Day 21

Woke up with a dream of you, your cheek looks as though it has a hole and its getting bigger.
But I told you to be patient as I'm fetching you to the vet. You were back to your golden color and still smiling despite the pain.
I think its the process that's happening to you now on under the ground. 

Last night when I came home, I saw the egg biscuits you used to eat. Half eaten and its still crunchy. It couldn't be some thing we've left for months because bit would get all soiled by then.
Could it be you?

Deep down I truly believe in your presence around home. Some nights I could hear your bells and feel hairs rubbing my legs and your never ending trip to my dreams.
I really wish you have longer time with us;
its so hard to say good bye unprepared as you're only 10.

As I was servicing my car today, I saw Rosie's pet place across the road.
I've always enjoy visiting pet shops and the main reason is to get you treats/ raw hides and food.
Without courage; I stood across the road staring & asking myself
"What am I to do inside there?"
"Wanted to buy treats for you but you're no longer able to savor it"
"Wanted to buy treats for who?"

I don't even have a dog now; I feel so empty
I don't have you with me anymore.

I really wanted to have you with me forever;
 thus I'm going to have you embedded in my skin.
That way you'll always be with me as I've always been everything to you.
Even when you died; you choosed to die beside me.
I miss you. I wanted to do so much more with you.
Above it all;

I wanted to thank you for loving me. 

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day 20

I dreamt of you again today, with all the new developments around our house. u have aged; i saw grey hair but you're still sitting on my bed smiling happily like you've always did.

Could it be you telling me to move on and search for u as you've been born again into this world?

Give me a sign, I will look for you because I can't wait for the day when we'll be reunited again.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Day 19

I left a piece of Dee Dee's favourite treats on the resting place and it miraculously dissipated again this morning. 
Mum said it was the mouse...

 I secretly chose to believe Dee Dee ate them.

It was an extremely horrible day for me today - at work XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX; 

I wish I could come home to your beautiful smile & funny antics to pester me for a walk. 
Or amuse urself with the treats & hump on the fur dolls 


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Day 18

Went to town today and got some roses and rose petals to decorate Dee Dee's resting place.
I once vowed to give him the best be it when he is alive or not; I will continue doing so he would smell good just like the fragrant rose petals.

A coliq got me some durians; something both me & Dee Dee used to love eating. Its been a while since I had them.

Mum bought some of these too because its Dumpling Festival today; something where I always share the pork with Dee Dee. I feel thankful having mum although I seldom spoke of it. I believe she too is still as hurt as I am because she too would save her chicken/ fishes for Dee Dee while she consumes the white rice only. Some thing both mother & daughter enjoy doing. 

Will be going to movies alone later. LG kept asking me why can't I wait for him and spend time with him instead of leaving home early. Truth is I need time for myself to reflect & digest what has happened. Dealing with a loss is not something you can get over in a day or two.
 But I was glad that I've found an online pet loss support group and read alot about people like me trying to cope with the loss. Even read one whose dog is to be put to sleep tonight due to sickness.
Sad and painful.

Like Rayney said I have changed. 

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

 The humble lil grave we lit candles & spent some time talking to every night

 I knew you loved fried chicken; got you some Uncle Bob & your favorite treats which miraculously dissipated a few days back

I dreamt of you again tonight when I was trying to take an evening nap. 

There we lots of guilt and I could only recall I was doing something I didn't really wanted to do (to fetch someone whom I have no idea of from a very far distance); I really wanted to go home that night and if I have known it was your final night, I wouldn't even go out and took you to the vet instead.

What does birthdays/ reunions/ writing proposals/ wedding and even holiday means without you now?
Without you to look forward to come home to everyday?
Without your smile to cheer the usually bubbly me?
Without me starting to be a cruel and cold person?

I could feel the change in me drastically.
I've started questioning why did so many things happen?
At times why does the sun even shine again?
Why can't some people start growing up and complaining about every menial things?
Why don't some people have brains to think about their own lives?

Your death has made me realised so much
That what we did and all the unnecessary emotions are pure bullshit
All I want is to have you back in my arms
All I was was a simple life we had back then in my small car
Me working in November and giving you the best dog food/ treats
Although I earn just enough but I was happy to have you & Tyrus by my side. 

Today is the 15th; if you were still around I would have bought you a lot of treats. 

I do miss you very much; much more than yesterday
and it keeps growing more everyday

Monday, June 14, 2010

These made my blue Monday :)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

2nd week on a Sunday morning

Its a late Sunday morning, I struggled to bed again because I didn't wanted to wake up at the same time as I did 2 weeks ago. I hope its past noon when I wake up or best if I could fall back into a dream and realise what has happened was just a dream after all. For the past 10 years, waking up with him beside my bed has been one of the best things in my life. Yet now, all I could do is to walk up to his grave in the garden; pat on the soil while arranging the flowers to wish his good morning and light candles at night keeping him vigil and share how the day has treated me. Its not without grief coming home everyday seeing the grilled door without his cheerful face or his waggly tail. I miss how he anticipates my return everyday; times when I'm on an overseas or outstation trips he would sit at the porch every night just to wait for my returns. The way his round hazel eyes brink and his beautiful smile shone so bright with his fluffy golden fur.

Sadly I did not expect my recent trip is the life changing trip for us; I vividly recalled him following me into the car when I was leaving for Bali right after my big night. “Dogs don't go on holidays; but I promise to buy you lots of treats while you be a good boy at home” was the last line I told him before hugging and kissing him as I walked out of the gate.
With all the trips I've been, one is never complete without me going to hunt for his treats/ collars or toys. Its the looks on his face whenever he rummages my luggage to look for his treats pays off no matter having to carry the treats past a few continents. I got lucky as this trip I manage to find some treats he loved since he was a young pup...only that its now at my desk unopened and he didn't had the opportunity to savour it anymore.

As I packed his necessities to be buried along, I realised we were not burying a corpse with his
necessities; it was years of love, loyalty, companionship, wait, comfort and happiness he brought into our family. Brother dug a hole and we finally placed his warm but calm sleeping body into the 4 feet grave; dad sprinkled some holy water and wiped mum's tears. Its one of the most painful lost we had to endure as he was so dear to everyone of us.

Life has never been the same to me since his departure; I dread seeing pet shops or eating chicken because those were his favourites. Although I generally love dogs my heart is very bland seeing any prancing dogs as it doesn't excited me anymore. The word “DOG” is no longer meaningful to me because it is only associated to you.
If one thing can change for me now is I honestly would trade a few years of my life just to spend a few more years to be with him – because I knew to men he is just a dog but to him we meant his world. My world has lost its sunshine and a part of me has died along with him forever.

Trying to find solace wit mum & bro at a beach