Dear Dee Dee,

Its been a while since I updated this space..updating less doesn't mean Che Che dun love u anymore. I still do, as much as I did lastime. 

We went to All Souls day last Sunday and everyone who has relatives visiting them had a few candles lighted & flowers placed on their graveyard. I'm not sure do we celebrate All Souls day for furkids but I'm sure I meet you more than I meet my ancestor. 

I didn't want your resting place to be empty, so cheh cheh bought you lotsa flowers too :)

Really hope you like them; did put on some ornamental stones on your resting place so weed doesn't get on your way..I don;t want your place to be messy & unattended. 

For the first time last night, I spoke about your death with my fiends. About the questions, the regret, the guilt and the anger I hold on Mama for not telling me the truth on whatever that has happened to you which led to your departure. 

I dreamt of you again last night; I know you're still with me at home sometimes coz I really felt it. 

Several days back I think I saw someone who resembles you in the ad; I was very ecstatic. For an instance I thought it was you with the eyes. However the location has deterred me..I believe if you're meant to be with me, you'll wait for me to go KL next week to see you. 

Dee, please give me a sign as its so hard to find you. I'm starting to realised what I hoped of might just be a lie to myself. The world is so huge; will reincarnations ever happen? Will you be a pomeranian again? Or will we hold each other's hands again?

Still loving you sooo much; Like I said over and over again, I would trade almost anything to have you with me for a few more year. I love you; indeed I do..always and forever

Dee Dee,

Che Che went to town to get you some flowers - in white, yellow & pink also colored flowers to place on your resting place.

However it rained heavily when I got home, hence the flowers are still lying on my bed with your favourite bear - the only thing of your which I did not bury along..

There are still some white chrysanthemum outside but I just wanted to get you more....I wish you're happy up there. It has been raining alot, so you could sleep and sleep in your favourite Christmas bed and yellow pillow/ bolster set.

Che che miss you...still do everyday. Its been raining alot and I cant light candles for you too. Hope you wont be in darkness.

Hugsss... gudnite Dee Dee. Love you, have a sweet dream and Che Che will too of the memories we shared :)

Mooncake Festival

Dear Dee, Aunty Sim told me that you were born in Mid Autumn, I'm not sure how true is that? Can't even find a way to verify it as she has also left for a better place. The last trip we went was futile as her whole family has moved away and no more dogs were left behind. We couldn't find any of your lineage now.

If you were around you'ld be around 11 now :) 

Would love to buy some mooncakes for you eventhough you might not be able to eat it, will just place it at your resting place. 

Love you Dee Dee, I still do although I seldom blog about it.

I jut wish if you are reincarnated, you'll have a good life. that's all I could wish for since the chances of meeting you again seems to be diminishing. 

Please look up to the moon tomorrow and I will too and hopefully we can see each other tomorrow.

Che Che miss you very much

hope people will be eternal. and we share the same moon although we're thousands of miles away

3 months now

Dear Dee Dee,

It has been 3 months since you left me so suddenly. It felt like the longest time ever because life is so empty without you by my side. I wished I could buy you mooncakes you loved, walk you around the new place where trees have been chopped down, take you to pupz outings and boil your favourite egg yolks. 

Sadly all that I can't do now without you by my side. 

Have not walked back lane since I last walked you before you died.

Neither am I interested on which dog resides near our neighbourhood.

All I could do today is to sit by your grave, spend some time talking to you

before the egg's water started boiling.

Hope you like the egg yolks we've used to share.

Really do not know what else I can do to make you happier.

Tears always roll freely whenever I start talking to you.

Many thought I'm insane and emo for always missing you

For not letting you go.

Yet do they understand what both of us have been thru?

Would they just forget their loved ones once they are gone?

Or simply bury all their memories along with the earth 6 feet down?

I need no sympathy from anyone.

People around me tells me its just a phase.

Is that so? 

Will you still remember & love me ?

Will you still recognise me when I walk past you?

Will I ever meet you again in this life?

Or am I always lying to myself that you'll

reincarnate and be reunited with me?

I miss you very much Dee Dee.

The fears of seeing you age and leaving me is my biggest fear.

Yet I did not expect this to happen so soon.

I always hope for more birthdays to come.

Getting another dog to move on is so hard

Because I realised what I wanted is you,

Not just another adorable dog to jump on my laps. 

Nor any pure breeds to parade around.

All I want is the same Dee Dee

who loved me selflessly,

Who accompanied thru the hardest periods in my life. 

I love you Dee Dee.

I really do.

 

Dear Dee Dee,

The flowers cheh cheh bought before going to KL is drying up after more than a week. 

Efforts to look for you in Thailand proves futile, all the dogs look sickly and none has anything which can make me fall like I see you. 

Cheh cheh & kor kor went to see another pom today and although she is cute, but I just felt it wasn't you.

I believe you're still somewhere waiting for cheh cheh to take you home...I hope you could give me a sign to lead me to you. 

As much as people say they will meet their lovers in afterlife, I want to have you again as my baby after ur previous life. Please tell me you want too..I really miss you very much. 

When Jimmy says Chokdee is sick, I wish you could give me a chance to go to the vet too. I don't mind paying very much if only I could hold you in my hands...

Really love you have a better life now Dee Dee

Cheh cheh miss you...the room is clean now but you;re not around with me.

Its raining, cold and windy...it would be nice if you could be indoors rather than getting yourself wet in the soil.

The rain still hasnt stop, I still cant light candles and lay the chrysanthemums on your resting place. 

Dee... cheh cheh really want to hold you tight and apologise for not being sensitive enough to your sickness.

I love you and still do very much, which makes getting a dog a difficult task. 

I only want to hold you in my arms

Che Che miss you very much!

I believe we are gonna be reunited soon; if all the signs you've given me is right.

Cant wait for the day to come so soon.

I still smile when I see your smiling pictures;

Thanks for all the laughter & joy you've brought into our lives.

Luv u Dee Dee

Dear Dee Dee,

Its gonna be 2 months since you left us. We still miss you as much.

Mummy still lights the candles and I still feed the cat because I think its related to you.

Che Che has been really tired lately. More responsibilities laid on my shoulders;

I don't know if its good or bad but it is a good start for my career.

Really wish you're here to see me doing all these.

I have been coming home early lately - something you really wanted me to do when you're still around.

The guilt is still in my heart and there are many thgs which I still cant forgive myself

Especially to give in easily to someone's advise not to bring you to the vet.

Perhaps you would survive if I did brought you.

I still hate myself for letting you go in pain. I really wish I could hold you in my arms again.

If all the signs you've given me about reincarnation is true, I believe I might be able to see you very soon.

Please guide me to where you are now so I could being you home again.

I believe you're born a pom again.

I believe our destiny did not end so fast...

Somewhere around, I truly believe I will find and be with you again.

I love you Dee Dee....will still buy you the treats even if you won't eat it anymore.

Deeply inside me, I know you still live. 

My life has been very empty without you.

I should and will never be with a man who cannot love my dog as I loved him.

Perhaps if he has been more attentive and love both you & me more, he would understand how important you are to me. 

Yes I will never forget what he degraded you.

Maybe these are tell signs about this relationship. 

Thanks for giving me the courage to make me realise what has been going wrong in my life.

My choice & expectation on others. 

You're too important for me to lose, yet I lost it. 

I seriously do not know what more must I lose to learn to make a choice to love myself more. 

To demand for love which I truly deserve.

Dee Dee,

How are you today? I dreamt of u playing on my laps a few days back.

That you're in pain and refusing to eat.

I hope you're no longer in pain anymore.

Truly believe that we will be reunited very soon...cant wait to have you in my arms again.

I choose to believe you're happier now. 

Cheh Cheh yang yang Dee Dee <3

Its a flower-y day for Dee Dee,

Cheh cheh went to the market today and got you lotsa flowers..hope you like them.

Mum lighted so many candles for you to make those days where we ran out of candles.

Wish you're happy playing with your friends. 

Cheh cheh could still feel you presence sumtimes..mummy too.

Yesterday I was driving around the park and wished you were around so I could bring you to pee at every tree. 

Nevermind, you could run freely now. 

Cheh printed this for you Dee Dee

Dee Dee's fren the greedy cat. 

Dear Dee,

I'm not sure if this is you or not; it has 4 white paws. Plump body like yours and he eats your treats and chewed on your rawhide. I fed him some of your leftover can food. He was just licking the treats like how you did. Toying around with it and staring at me most of the time as I was trying to snap his video. 

If it's really you, I don't mind feeding him everyday or keep him at home. 

Cheh Cheh have a big cry today and was without you by my side. I really miss you Dee Dee and wished you're here with me. All I could do now is hug those plush bears and speak to them like I did to you besides speaking on your resting place; lighting candles to make sure your night are not lonely and dark. 

I saw Che Che's friend's chihuahua who resembles you. Really so adorable. It keeps me questioning now are u a chihuahua/ pom/ spitz mix or what are you? Of coz it doesn't matter much coz what matters is that I love you very much regardless of your breed. 

I believe its going to be soon where we will be reunited again. 

I walked happily to your resting place, pats the soil, lights up the candle, spoke to you and brought some of ur treats for u. 

Although I'm unsure have I accepted ur departure; but one thing I'm sure is I love you yesterday, today, forever - no one can take this bond & love away from us. 

Missing you very much my dearest Dee Dee.

Cheh cheh bought some flowers for you 2 days ago and the stupid snails have started eating the petals. I brought the salt and teach the whole bunch of them a damn lesson for taking away what's urs; just like how I protected you when you're still around. Even though you're gone, I'll keep protecting you and all the memories we shared. 

This is my promise to you.

Sumtimes I wish you could still see me (although I do feel your presence at home every night)

Dear Dee Dee,

It has been raining very much for the past few days. Couldn't light any candles for you. Then I was away for a few days; trying to catch up pieces of my life. Just like I told you many times - the reason I wanted to go home everyday is because you're waiting for me at the door. You still are, I could feel it.

All along I thought it was only me until mama said she felt the same way too; that you walked pass her every night. Then I realised I'm not the only one who could feel your presence. Medical practitioners might call it hallucination but I personally call it love. 

You came into my dreams a few days ago. I miss you terribly, almost every night when I sleep at LG's bed, you come into my mind subconciously. It might be guilt, it might be remorse because I gotto admit after being with him I spend less time with you. I really apologise for that. Sometimes its just soo hard to juggle between work especially working so far from home and everyone who revolves around it. 

Everytime I come home seeing you waiting, it makes me feel even more guilt. 

I missed those times. I won't let you wait no more. 

I lit 2 birthday candles and 2 big white candles for you last night. To make up for those days which I didn't. I also brought some treats and break it into pieces so you do not have to munch it with your toothless gums. 

There we much thoughts about getting a new dog, however I don't think I'm prepared to accept someone new in my life. I believe in reincarnation, hence I'm still waiting for it. 

I hope you keep yourself warm with the mattress and pillows we covered you in.

You were smiling and playing with me like you used to do. I could see your face ageing like the uncle I saw. The thoughts of you aging and leaving is scary. 

The scariness still fills my thoughts but you're gone now. At only 10 years, I thought I could have had longer time with you.

Really miss you from the bottom of my heart.

1 Month

Its one month since you left us. 

Kor Kor has flatten the soil and we plan to remake your resting place or plant some flowers on the soil.

I lighted two candles for you today; hoping to take a glimpse of the lights every night before I go to bee. 

We really hope the candles will help light your lonely nights. 

Then it started raining suddenly. 

I ran out to see the candles, only to find it still burning in the rain; 

the same way you suffered in silence to cheer us up.

As I open your pictures we last took, I can't believe all these has happen to me.

The last thing I want is to be separated from you and now I am.

Its painful to look at your smiling pictures. It makes me feel more guilty that I didn't help you alleviate your pain or accompanied you more on your last few days. 

Dee Dee, do you know I meant it when I spoke to you every night?

When I told you I love & miss you very much?

When I asked you to come in to sleep with me ?

When I told you how much I loved you?

Where ever you're, I hope you're always happy.

If you have time, please spare a second to think of us.

I still wish I come home everynite to see your waggly tail & smily face.

 

Pomeranian Dog In Heaven - 10 Years 9 Months, Toodie from Tanjung Bungah, Pulau Pinang - PetFinder.my

Pomeranian Dog In Heaven - 10 Years 9 Months, Toodie from Tanjung Bungah, Pulau Pinang - PetFinder.my

Its a rainy day; days where I wish you could just cuddle with me on the bed and have a sleeping marathon to see whose the champion. Like how u put ur feet into my mouth & my feet on ur head.

I know you're sleeping peacefully eternally now, but its still so hard for me to accept you've left me and gone forever. 

Can you please come back to me? 

I leave the door open sumtimes so you could peep your head and walk in.

The room is always filled with clothes on the floor waiting for you to come in to sleep.

A month has passed; I miss you more than ever.. and I still do.

We went to a canine gathering earlier and spotted a few poms; both show & pet quality. Mostly small sized and compact body but none has the face as lovely as yours. It's really hard to look for any replacement because to us you're the cutest pom. Your round hazel eyes & pink nose and we especially love the curly hair behind your ears. 

Dee Dee we really miss you. Wonder where are you now. I believe in re-incarnation and we will meet again. 

Please guide me to you.

I finally met the cat who was with u these few nights.I'm not sure who is it but he has 3 white paws similar to yours, he wasn't really afraid of me.

What I was sure is he seems to know you & is sent to keep you company on your lonely nights. 

I'm sure you won't mind me sharing your leftover food with this new friend of yours.

Am really happy you've finally found a good friend as you've always been well liked. 

We met Sandy, I think she will miss you too if she knows you're gone. 

Dee Dee I dreamt of you a few night ago that I neglected you and when I went home you're still around but sickly. I feel so bad.. I should have spent more time with you every night.

Fast forward, Ko Ko says he saw 2 cats sitting by your resting place. One in black and one in white. 

Could it be Mickey & Milky coming over to play with you? 

Or are they your friends?

I'm happy you have some friends now and hope you're no longer lonely. 

Have been really tired over the past few days and raining alot too.

Yet another Lab Woody has passed away and I hope you'll meet him in rainbow bridge.

Goodnight baby and hope you have a sweet dream too.

Really hope I could hug & kiss you again.

Day 24

You helped through my work. Thanks so much for blessing me from the top

I really miss hugging you and cuddling with your chubby body.

As i was cleaning my bed sheet which i have changed since you left us, I saw a tick.
Its realy shocking as we do not have other dogs at home besides you.
How could these ticks climb on my bedsheet?
I doubt it lives that long after you left us as well.

Thanks for giving me a sign to tell me you're still around
I know I cant hold you and you too cant touch me
But I sincerely want u to know how much we love you eventhough you've left us

I hope you notice me stealing a glance at you everytime I walk to the kitchen

Because I really wanted to see you badly. 

xxx I miss you very much Dee Dee xxx

Day 23

I saw a cat lying idle on the road on my way home. It was raining very heavily and I had parts of me asking me to stop so that I could carry the kitten by the roadside. However another part of me held me back as I knew I couldn't bear to face another dying animal. Plus there were cars behind my car, so I just drove off with a heavy heart.

It was raining tonight and I cant light the candles for Dee Dee. Tried lighting when the rain stopped but the candles were too wet to lighted. 

A few weeks back I recall reading the 5 stages of grief. Today I finally took some time off to read and understand where was I. 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving. 

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal. 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Realization that the person is gone (in death) that it is not their fault, they didn't leave you on purpose. (even in cases of suicide, often the deceased person, was not in their right frame of mind) Finding the good that can come out of the pain of loss, finding comfort and healing. Our goals turn toward personal growth. Stay with fond memories of person.  

After through reading, I realised I'm still at denial although I show signs of bargaining. But I guess a loss will take a long time to heal especially Dee Dee being too attached  to me. 

I still walk to his resting place everyday and sometime bring some treats/ food for him for the fear that he didn't have enough up there; or plainly because I felt he will be hungry. Seeing his treats lying in my room doesn't help as it keeps reminding me how much he loved his treats.

If he could come back to live,

I really don't mind spending a fortune being his slave and buying him all the best food in the world.

Just like how I wish I wake up to realise its only 13th of May; then I will stay home and not go to Bali.

Only then he won't be hurt and never leave me

If only...

Day 22

Dear Dee Dee, 

you did not eat the treats I left for you yesterday. 

Were you not feeling well?

I saw a cat with its head tilted like yours after your epilepsy. 

Those were signs your heart is not doing well but I honestly thought you are so strong

you'll definitely pull thru like you did on your hernia surgery and sudden fast heart beat during Christmas.

We went to Chew Jetty - where you were born more than 10 years ago. 

Trying to locate Aunty Sim who sold you to us.

All we could find is an empty house, we were told Aunty Sim died many years ago

Leaving the house empty. Even her family has moved elsewhere and there are no more dogs

This spells the end of your lineage and family. 

Perhaps you were the last few batch from them?

Only she know and I'm sure you've met her up there. 

Its Father's day today, you should be with us.

LG bought some very expensive durians at RM70 for 2.

I wish you were here to savor it because its one of your favourite.

For you're one exceptional dog who loves fruits.

 Day 21

Woke up with a dream of you, your cheek looks as though it has a hole and its getting bigger.

But I told you to be patient as I'm fetching you to the vet. You were back to your golden color and still smiling despite the pain.

I think its the process that's happening to you now on under the ground. 

Last night when I came home, I saw the egg biscuits you used to eat. Half eaten and its still crunchy. It couldn't be some thing we've left for months because bit would get all soiled by then.
Could it be you?

Deep down I truly believe in your presence around home. Some nights I could hear your bells and feel hairs rubbing my legs and your never ending trip to my dreams.

I really wish you have longer time with us;
its so hard to say good bye unprepared as you're only 10.

As I was servicing my car today, I saw Rosie's pet place across the road.
I've always enjoy visiting pet shops and the main reason is to get you treats/ raw hides and food.
Without courage; I stood across the road staring & asking myself
"What am I to do inside there?"
"Wanted to buy treats for you but you're no longer able to savor it"
"Wanted to buy treats for who?"

I don't even have a dog now; I feel so empty
I don't have you with me anymore.

I really wanted to have you with me forever;
 thus I'm going to have you embedded in my skin.

That way you'll always be with me as I've always been everything to you.
Even when you died; you choosed to die beside me.
I miss you. I wanted to do so much more with you.
Above it all;

I wanted to thank you for loving me. 

Day 20

I dreamt of you again today, with all the new developments around our house. u have aged; i saw grey hair but you're still sitting on my bed smiling happily like you've always did.

Could it be you telling me to move on and search for u as you've been born again into this world?

Give me a sign, I will look for you because I can't wait for the day when we'll be reunited again.

Day 19

I left a piece of Dee Dee's favourite treats on the resting place and it miraculously dissipated again this morning. 

Mum said it was the mouse...

 I secretly chose to believe Dee Dee ate them.

It was an extremely horrible day for me today - at work XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX; 

I wish I could come home to your beautiful smile & funny antics to pester me for a walk. 

Or amuse urself with the treats & hump on the fur dolls 

  

Day 18

Went to town today and got some roses and rose petals to decorate Dee Dee's resting place.

I once vowed to give him the best be it when he is alive or not; I will continue doing so he would smell good just like the fragrant rose petals.

A coliq got me some durians; something both me & Dee Dee used to love eating. Its been a while since I had them.

Mum bought some of these too because its Dumpling Festival today; something where I always share the pork with Dee Dee. I feel thankful having mum although I seldom spoke of it. I believe she too is still as hurt as I am because she too would save her chicken/ fishes for Dee Dee while she consumes the white rice only. Some thing both mother & daughter enjoy doing. 

Will be going to movies alone later. LG kept asking me why can't I wait for him and spend time with him instead of leaving home early. Truth is I need time for myself to reflect & digest what has happened. Dealing with a loss is not something you can get over in a day or two.
 But I was glad that I've found an online pet loss support group and read alot about people like me trying to cope with the loss. Even read one whose dog is to be put to sleep tonight due to sickness.
Sad and painful.

Like Rayney said I have changed. 

 The humble lil grave we lit candles & spent some time talking to every night

 I knew you loved fried chicken; got you some Uncle Bob & your favorite treats which miraculously dissipated a few days back

I dreamt of you again tonight when I was trying to take an evening nap. 

There we lots of guilt and I could only recall I was doing something I didn't really wanted to do (to fetch someone whom I have no idea of from a very far distance); I really wanted to go home that night and if I have known it was your final night, I wouldn't even go out and took you to the vet instead.

What does birthdays/ reunions/ writing proposals/ wedding and even holiday means without you now?

Without you to look forward to come home to everyday?

Without your smile to cheer the usually bubbly me?

Without me starting to be a cruel and cold person?

I could feel the change in me drastically.

I've started questioning why did so many things happen?

At times why does the sun even shine again?

Why can't some people start growing up and complaining about every menial things?

Why don't some people have brains to think about their own lives?

Your death has made me realised so much

That what we did and all the unnecessary emotions are pure bullshit

All I want is to have you back in my arms

All I was was a simple life we had back then in my small car

Me working in November and giving you the best dog food/ treats

Although I earn just enough but I was happy to have you & Tyrus by my side. 

Today is the 15th; if you were still around I would have bought you a lot of treats. 

I do miss you very much; much more than yesterday

and it keeps growing more everyday

These made my blue Monday :)

2nd week on a Sunday morning

Its a late Sunday morning, I struggled to bed again because I didn't wanted to wake up at the same time as I did 2 weeks ago. I hope its past noon when I wake up or best if I could fall back into a dream and realise what has happened was just a dream after all. For the past 10 years, waking up with him beside my bed has been one of the best things in my life. Yet now, all I could do is to walk up to his grave in the garden; pat on the soil while arranging the flowers to wish his good morning and light candles at night keeping him vigil and share how the day has treated me. Its not without grief coming home everyday seeing the grilled door without his cheerful face or his waggly tail. I miss how he anticipates my return everyday; times when I'm on an overseas or outstation trips he would sit at the porch every night just to wait for my returns. The way his round hazel eyes brink and his beautiful smile shone so bright with his fluffy golden fur.

Sadly I did not expect my recent trip is the life changing trip for us; I vividly recalled him following me into the car when I was leaving for Bali right after my big night. “Dogs don't go on holidays; but I promise to buy you lots of treats while you be a good boy at home” was the last line I told him before hugging and kissing him as I walked out of the gate. With all the trips I've been, one is never complete without me going to hunt for his treats/ collars or toys. Its the looks on his face whenever he rummages my luggage to look for his treats pays off no matter having to carry the treats past a few continents. I got lucky as this trip I manage to find some treats he loved since he was a young pup...only that its now at my desk unopened and he didn't had the opportunity to savour it anymore.

As I packed his necessities to be buried along, I realised we were not burying a corpse with his necessities; it was years of love, loyalty, companionship, wait, comfort and happiness he brought into our family. Brother dug a hole and we finally placed his warm but calm sleeping body into the 4 feet grave; dad sprinkled some holy water and wiped mum's tears. Its one of the most painful lost we had to endure as he was so dear to everyone of us.

Life has never been the same to me since his departure; I dread seeing pet shops or eating chicken because those were his favourites. Although I generally love dogs my heart is very bland seeing any prancing dogs as it doesn't excited me anymore. The word “DOG” is no longer meaningful to me because it is only associated to you. If one thing can change for me now is I honestly would trade a few years of my life just to spend a few more years to be with him – because I knew to men he is just a dog but to him we meant his world. My world has lost its sunshine and a part of me has died along with him forever.

Trying to find solace wit mum & bro at a beach